Torture

Everyone who has ever watched a war movie knows sleep deprivation can be used as a form of torture. I am beginning to believe my children are actually double agents intent on bringing me to the brink of insanity. Every night someone is either in my bed or standing by my bed looking at me creepily like the girl in Poltergeist or waking me up at 5:15 and asking if it's time to wake up. I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out why I won't exercise and eat right. True, part of it is just the need for me to kick me in the ass and say, "Go out there and do it without making up some really elaborate excuse." But part of it is the complete and utter lack of anything resembling quality sleep since the birth of my youngest four years ago. I find I cannot remember words anymore. And not in that, oh it's on the tip of my tongue but my brain is just too overloaded to think of it now. More like, I have absolutely no idea what I'm trying to say but I know there should be words for it. It's one big circle of exhaustion and excuses and eating. All E's all the time! But I either live with it and keep going, as any overachieving mother would, or give in and go to sleep for the next few years.

Slipping

Wow, imagine that. I have been backsliding a little (lot). I think if I go back and read the entries from the beginning I would find a pattern of behavior. And if I could just break the code on that I would save us all a lot of time and energy. After the tri I took a break and then I got some nasty stomach virus. And then I was lazy. But I begged, BEGGED, my neighbor to please, please run with me. And today she finally relented (mostly to shut me up). She is a trooper because if I had not been running and attempted to run, at any pace, I would just throw up and fall down on the sidewalk. But she did not. And it was good for me. Because I had to slow down. And I actually enjoyed it! I enjoyed not feeling like my lungs were going to explode like a too full bellows. I enjoyed not stumbling and bumbling forward in pain. I actually can run slower and still be running. So hopefully this will help me over the mental block of 3 miles. I.just.can't.seem.to.make.myself.do.it. But maybe I can do it slower! (That's what she said.) Sorry. I haven't had my full caffeine ration. Just suffice it to say I am slowing down to get back on track. And back on track I will be!